Virginman

Virginman was not the real name of the flamboyant man in the metallic armour currently flying over the Atlantic. As a beloved philanthropist, Richard Branson needed a clever pseudonym to be a participating member of the CTA, and so his alter ego was born.

One might wonder how a man of such wealth and taste could perpetrate such cruel, unspeakable acts upon the world, but the answer was simple: Branson was a living, breathing, 58-year old virgin, and so loathed all of humanity because of it, that he had spent the last third of his life wreaking havoc upon it.

Meetings

The Council for Terrestrial Apocalypse held meetings every Tuesday night at 7pm. The 5 person group chose that time, so that the meetings would never run longer than an hour, since no member wanted to miss an episode of House. Made up of Zombie Anderson Silva, Judge Judy, Virginman, J.K. Rowling, and a young Chinese girl named Cheng Fei, the group attempted to put into motion plans to bring about the end of times.

Currently, Judge Judy thought she was arguing with Zombie Anderson Silva about the relative merits of nuclear winter.

"Are you stupid?" Judy shrieked.

"Dá-me cérebros!" Anderson retorted.

Gallstones

Ernie Shmouse failed to get into medical school, so despite deep ideological opposition, he attended a school for naturopathic medicine, and became a bored, certified ND.

“My doctor says I have gallstones, and that I should have surgery,” Tabitha said, “but I just don’t believe in surgery.”

“Sure. Surgery,” Ernie drew air quotes.

“What?”

“It doesn’t exist.”

“What?”

“Anyway, I have some snake oil for gallstones. Eat nothing but apples for five days, and then drink lots of lemon juice mixed with olive oil. You’ll be cured after your morning tinkle. Or maybe you won’t, and you really just need surgery.”

First Contact

“Greetings, Earthlings!” One handsomely rugged alien proclaimed, brushing sandy blonde hair out of his face, and stepping down from his interplanetary vehicle.

“Are you fr..from the future?” The President stuttered.

“Time travel’s impossible,” a tall, slender female alien responded. “We come from another planet.”

Stunned, the President asked, “How can that be? You look exactly li...like us.”

The two extremely attractive aliens shared a look and replied, “actually, we look much better than you, but that’s only because we’ve discovered the secret to timeless beauty, and for just 12 easy payments of $29.95, you can discover that secret, too.”

Probiotics

After consuming several gallons of summer berry probiotic yogurt, Hanson was curled in a ball on his bed contemplating the tragic urge to consume without constraint when mired in misery.

“You are completely infertile,” the doctor had said.

“There isn’t anything I can do? If I don’t get my wife pregnant, she’ll leave me. I’m basically just a turkey baster to her.”

“Well, some people recommend special diets. But there’s no scientific evidence to support any of it.”

And thus Hanson found himself feeling like he had eaten cement instead of yogurt, and considering the point at which probiotics became conbiotics.