Into The Woods

Ranger Roger was telling a ghost story to the boys of Camp Straightwood, a place that helped gay teens become straight.

“Later that night, when Joe returned to his cabin, he found his friends...” Roger paused, and then stood up and yelled into the forest behind him, “damnit Lance, you missed your cue!” He received no response, and walked back to where Lance was supposed to be hiding. He heard growling and grunting nearby, but saw no sign of him.

And then, behind a tree stump, horror: Lance was balls-deep inside Todd, a camper.

“Damnit, Lance!”

“What, he’s 18. It’s okay!”

Gray's Anatomy

“I’ll get the money that I lost, and my husband will forgive me,” Dr. Weller says.

“That’s great,” Mr. Tindal says, “but what’s wrong with my penis?”

“You think there’s something wrong with my plan? You don’t think it’s going to work? It has to work, because he’s John, and I’m Judy. We’re John and Judy! And I’m not spending my life with some McSleazy that I met at the bar across the street!”

“What are you, on Grey’s Anatomy or something?”

“Seriously? Seriously? You watch Grey’s Anatomy?”

“My wife does. I’m just in the same room,” Mr. Tindal mumbles, embarrassed.

Cat Heaven

When Renard’s mother fell ill, he quit his job to take care of her. She deteriorated, and on her death bed, she asked of him only one thing: to take care of her cats, all twelve of them. Now Renard was a jobless, lonely, miserable middle-aged man, who smelled perpetually of cat urine.

So when Renard stepped in front of a bus, the only thing on his mind was the magnificent relief it would be never having to see another cat again. Which, of course, made the bureaucratic error that caused him to awake in cat heaven all the more unpleasant.

Toys'R'Us Kid

“Seriously, I’ve sent out fifty resumes, and not one call back.” Ted paces anxiously across the living room, stomping a shallow trench into the carpet.

“Did you put the right phone number on it?” Jed asks, while he watches Star Whores: The Empire Strikes Black.

“This resume is perfect. No mistakes.”

The heroine, Syndee Grace, is in an unenviable position between two large stormtroopers as Jed reads over the resume. He asks, “you don’t really want a job, do you?”

“What?”

“These are the lyrics to the Toys’R’Us theme song.”

Ted pauses, defeated, and says, “so what? I’m a Toys’R’Us kid.”

Serenpidity

“Nice pants, fag!” Carlos Silva yelled as he hung Troy by the waistband of his dinosaur imprint sweatpants on the outstretched finger of a statue of his school’s namesake: Sir Alexender Flemming. Troy’s older brother had warned that they were a poor choice for the first day of high school, but they were Troy’s favourite pants.

Troy tried to free himself, but his pants tore, revealing white, skid-marked underwear.

Shaking, Troy cried, “I’m going to fucking murder you!”

That just made everyone laugh harder. Later in the week, when Carlos died mysteriously, everyone wondered whether they should’ve been laughing at all.